He Grew Up a Little too Fast
by evil-wiatch
Summary: Puck gets some bad news and goes to Rachel for help. She tries to find a way to get through to him. Based around the song "Radio" by He is We.
1. He Grew Up Just A Little Too Fast

AN: I own nothing in this fic! The song is "Radio" by He is We. It's a lovely song and everyone should go and listen to it. I hope you enjoy this.

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><p>A soft knock on the door. If Rachel hadn't been sat in the living room of her house she would be unaware that anyone was there. Her father's had gone out for the evening and she had told them no one would be coming over. So she had set up camp on the couch, watching a musicals marathon. All three "A Star is Born" versions, although Judy would always be her favourite so she had purposefully left that one until last. But here she was, pyjamas on, hair scarped up in to a messy bun, no make up on, answering the door to Noah Puckerman. And while she would normally be embarrassed by her appearance she didn't even think about it. The look in his eyes was her main concern. Or rather, the fact that his eyes were completely unfocused on anything, a deadness that she had never seen in him. He was usually so filled with life and he expressed that through his eyes. She wanted to reach up and make him look at her but she knew that that would be inappropriate, especially since neither of them had spoken in the minutes that had passed from her opening the door.<p>

"Noah, what are you doing here?" Her voice broke the silence around them but not his far away gaze, he was looking over her and in to the house. Unseeing. His response however alerted her to the fact that he did actually know she was there standing in front of him.

"I needed to talk to somebody..." He hadn't moved, hadn't looked at her once. This was seriously starting to freak her out. But why had he chosen her to talk to? What could she do to help him?

"Ok, but why are you _here_? Noah, you're kind of freaking me out." At this he looked down at her, and she saw something then. A small flicker of life on his face. This time she really did reach up and brush her hand along his cheek, she needed him to at least explain this situation to her.

"I needed to talk to somebody who...who knew the truth. The real reason that I, that he...He's dead." Her hand dropped from his face, and part of her missed the contact, but her other hand had come up to cover her mouth. She knew she must have looked completely shocked but it didn't seem to bother him. He still stood there, completely out of it. She reached down and took one of his hands, pulling him in to the house. "Upstairs." He turned to look at her from where he'd stumbled in to her living room. "Noah, go and wait for me upstairs. I'll get you a drink and we can talk about it." He nodded his head slowly and proceeded to tackle the stairs as she made her way in to the kitchen.

He wasn't drunk, she knew that much for sure. A drunk Noah would have already started shouting and rambling on about everything. This was much harder to deal with. He was completely shut down. He probably didn't even know how he got here. She had noticed that his truck wasn't parked in her driveway which probably meant that he had walked here, whether he knew where he was going or not was still a mystery. As she made him a warm cup of coffee, she thought back to the day she realised what exactly was going on at the Puckerman house. It was summer and her Dads had invited Noah over for a play date. Bearing in mind they were both 8 years old so they didn't really play any more. Just hung out and talked. It was so hot that she had been in the pool, trying to convince him to come in with her. He was adamant that he wouldn't, even though he'd brought his swimming stuff with him. She could hear his voice in her head, scared and ashamed, "If I come in you have to promise not to tell anyone." She didn't understand until she saw it. When he took his T-shirt off his back was covered in scars and welts. She swam over to the side of the pool and tried to touch him but he just cringed away from her. "Don't tell anyone I showed you Rachel, promise? Or he'll be mad." She had promised, and she hadn't told anyone about it, until her father's told her one day that Mr Puckerman had walked out on his family. Then she couldn't help but tell them the truth. They were shocked but she was happy, happy that he could no longer hurt Noah. Little did she know that he was so hurt it would be the end of their friendship for a considerable amount of time. That it was that night that caused the rift between them.

She made her way upstairs, still thinking about that day in summer. As she reached the door she could hear him humming some tune to himself, he'd turned her ipod on low and was humming along to whatever had come on. She sat down next to him on the edge of her bed and passed him the cup. He however made no move to take it from her so she nudged his leg with her own to get his attention, he was staring at the carpet currently and it was very unnerving.

"Noah, I made you a drink. It's warm. I didn't know if you had sugar or anything so -"

"She was crying. She was actually crying when she told me. That man finally drunk himself to oblivion and she cried. And Sarah, she didn't even know him. She didn't know why my Ma was... After everything, she cried over him. And I'm just sat there and I don't know how to feel Rachel. I don't know what to feel. I just, I'm so, I'm just numb. I can't, I can't -" She quickly put the cup on her bed side table and reached over and hugged him. He made no move to return the gesture so she just clung to him. Hoping that anything would help him through this. She was so afraid for him in that minute, so scared that he would do something foolish. But she was also grateful that he felt that he could come to her and find some sort of solace. Some peace.

"When did it happen?" She was staring at the same bit of the carpet as him. Running one of her hands up and down his spine while the other was wrapped around his arm.

"I didn't ask. I had to get out of there. It felt toxic. Like he was there. Like it used to. Before." She started drawing patterns on his back, wondering if the marks were still there. Whether anyone had ever asked what they were from if they were. Although she doubted any of the women he'd been with would have cared particularly. She started to hum along to the song that had filtered in to the room, much like he had done before. That seemed to trigger something in him, he put his hands on his face and she knew he was crying. Silently. She wouldn't say anything, make him feel like less of a man, just continue humming until he'd got it out of his system.

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><p>She woke up in the morning and he was gone. She remembered moving them to lie on her bed, he was in no state to go home. He didn't want to anyway but still. He was still staring in to the distance, as if viewing memories instead of reality. She lead next to him, drawing patterns on the skin of his arm. She had obviously fallen asleep, she didn't know if he had. But he was gone. So she got ready for school and hoped that he would be there. That she could at least see he was ok, if she didn't get to talk about it. They had Glee this afternoon anyway so she supposed he would at least show up for that. Hopefully. It might help him express himself.<p>

The school day passed quickly, she took every opportunity to walk past his locker between classes but she never saw him. Not even at lunch. So she assumed he hadn't come in today. But then an over whelming sense of dread consumed her, what if he had done something reckless? What if he hadn't gone home last night like she assumed? He could be in a ditch somewhere and no one would know! These thoughts were running through her head as she walked in to the Choir Room, it was usually empty. She was always the first one there. But she stopped when she saw him. Sat at the piano playing some melody. She didn't know he could play the piano. And she knew a lot about him. More so than either of them would like to admit she's sure. She slowly walked over and sat next to him. He stilled his hands, but left them in the position, as if he would start back up in a second. But he didn't. He just sat there, until he turned slightly to look at her. She didn't catch his gaze, she was focused on his hands. She didn't want to scare him away, and she knew if she looked at him and he still had that look she'd just cry or hug him and freak him out. "Thankyou. For last night." He whispered it, and then continued playing. She watched as his fingers moved easily along the keys.

"When did you learn to play? I never knew you took lessons." It was a change of subject, it needed to be done. Were they just supposed to sit there in silence? Because that wouldn't look suspicious when the other club members arrived.

"I didn't. He er...Him. I don't usually, it's hard, but today it just. I don't know." He moved as if to stand so Rachel quickly held on to his arm.

"Don't. I erm, I think it's good. I mean you're very good. Why should it stop you from doing something you enjoy?" He sat back down next to her, but she didn't move her hands. They were still wrapped around his forearm. He didn't play any more. Just sat there next to her.

"I didn't think it would hurt, but it does. And it makes me mad at myself, and at him, for still feeling like he has a part of me. That he can control something in me." He shook his head, and turned to look her in the eye, "Do you know what I mean?"

As she went to speak the door flew open and Mr Schue, followed by the other Glee Clubbers, flew in to the room. He dumped his papers down on the piano and looked at the two of them. "Sorry we're late guys. I had to photocopy some music and I don't know where the others were." At this Puck stood from the piano bench and walked to take his usual seat at the back of the classroom. Rachel watched him go before she herself went to sit down. She didn't want to draw more attention to them, the looks she was getting already suggested it would be the point of gossip tonight, so she sat at the front. Away from everyone else. She didn't need to be distracted by whisperings and questions from those around her. She did however, have something prepared for the day. The song had been stuck in her head all day so she had gone to the library at lunch to find the music. It reminded her of him and she wanted to sing it. Maybe it might help him somehow. She didn't know if music could heal, but she believed it had some power over people's emotions.

She raised her hand, "Mr Schuester, before we begin, I prepared something for today and I'd really like to sing it. It will only take a few minutes. I promise." He nodded his head and went to sit down in an unoccupied seat. She gave the music to the band and stood in the centre of the room.

"Last night I got some news about something, and I just wanted to, well I don't really know. This song just seemed fitting. And hopefully it might have some sort of effect." She looked around the room, most people looked confused, but his eyes were on her. Still dead, but at least they were on her. She nodded her head and the music filled the room.

_He grew up just a little too fast.  
>A loss and need that's on his past.<br>I can hear him humming from the other side of the room.  
>Guess he's got rhythm, cause he hums every time he's blue.<em>

_Oh, radio, bleed me a melody_  
><em>That will make this boy cry.<em>  
><em>Radio, bleed me a melody<em>  
><em>That will make him wonder why he was so cold.<em>

_Broken glass and a pretty face._  
><em>Silent mourn, full of hate.<em>  
><em>Quiet face, silent mourn.<em>  
><em>Screaming for consequence,<em>  
><em>Pleading for more.<em>

_Radio, bleed me a melody_  
><em>That will make this boy cry.<em>  
><em>Radio, bleed me a melody<em>  
><em>That will make him wonder why he was so cold.<em>

_Write him a song that reminds him of a time_  
><em>When he wasn't tumbling down, down, tumbling down.<em>

_Radio, bleed me a melody_  
><em>That will make this boy cry.<em>  
><em>Radio, bleed me a melody<em>  
><em>That will make him wonder why he was so cold.<em>

_Radio, radio, radio, lead me a melody._  
><em>Radio, radio, radio, lead me a melody.<em>  
><em>Radio, radio, radio, that boy's got rhythm cause he hums every time.<em>  
><em>Radio, radio, radio.<em>

The music died and everyone clapped slowly. No one really understood why she was singing such a depressing song but it was good none the less. Mr Schuester stood and patted her back, "Very good Rachel. Now we need to..." Puck had stood up in his seat and was making his way out of the classroom, "Erm, Puck? Where are you going?" He didn't respond, just walked out of the room and turned to walk towards the exit. Rachel quickly got up, and looked at Mr Schuester.

"I'll just go and see what's wrong with him. How rude, to just get up and leave like that. Clearly he has no manners what so ever. I'll bring him back. Just you watch." And with that she ran from the room, she didn't dare look back at the people she was leaving behind. She saw him down the hall, he was just leaving the building, so she ran to catch up with him. She flung herself through the doors to the school and shouted to him across the car park. "Noah!" That boy sure could walk fast.

"Noah! Noah Puckerman! Wait! Will you just WAIT!" She was running so fast that when he stopped moving she ran straight in to him, the force of the hit pushing her back and she fell on to the ground behind him. "ow." He was leaning over her now.

"Rachel, are you alright?" She smiled and nodded as he helped her up. She was brushing herself off and he just stood there staring at her.

"Why did you sing that song?" he asked.

"Why did you leave?" she countered.

"It just felt, kind of claustrophobic in there. I couldn't breathe." He turned to open the door of his truck and then stilled his movements, not looking at her. "Do you want to, like go somewhere with me?" She hesitated, looking back towards the school. "S'cool. I'll just see you tomorrow."

"No!" She interjected, "I'll go. I'll just ask Mercedes to drop my stuff at my house tonight."

"I can bring you back for it later? They don't lock up until 6 anyway." He shrugged. She didn't want to know how he knew that.

"Ok, good." They stood there for a moment, watching each other. Waiting for someone to make the first move. In the end he conceded.

"Lets go then." He opened the door for her and helped her in the truck. As the engine started and the radio turned on she could make out his quiet humming. She smiled slightly. It was a coping mechanism for him, she realised that now. He pulled out of the car park and took a left. She didn't know where they were going, but she did know that maybe all this was helping him. And she was along for the ride for as long as he needed her. After all he had asked her to be, not overtly, but by coming to her house that night he had asked her, in his own way, to help him through this and she would to the best of her ability. She didn't know how he was feeling, but she hoped that one day soon he might explain it all to her. One day.


	2. Lay Awake At Night, Cry Alone

AN: Thankyou for all your reviews, I've decided to write another section, and possibly a third part, to this story because there was a call for more information and I am happy to oblige. Hopefully it doesn't suck.

The Chapter title is the a lyrics from the song His Name by He is We.

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><p>The feel of her fingers moving along his arm had stopped minutes ago, he knew she was asleep. He should have left already but he didn't have the energy. He was exhausted. Part of him wanted to shuffle down next to her and sleep for a while, days probably, but he knew he wouldn't. His brain would not turn off. Too many thoughts were shooting around, flashing in front of his eyes and stopping him from wanting to sleep, from wanting to close his eyes. And since he couldn't sleep there wasn't much point in staying in Rachel's room, but he didn't want to leave. He felt comforted by her, the way she had dropped her plans for the evening to sit with him. It reminded him of his mother. But he had said some terrible things to her before he left and he didn't want to go back there yet. To that house. His house. Because it would always be his house, no matter how many times they redecorated or moved the furniture, it would always have the memories. The times he'd heard his mother crying from down the hall. The times he'd witnessed his father's drunken abuse. His mind wandered to earlier that day, when he'd found out what would result in this mini break down.<p>

Beiste had kept them late at football practice, and while he knew it meant they would be so much better in the coming game he was in desperate need of some sustenance. His Ma usually had dinner waiting for him on practice nights, even if she was working but what he found when he got home wasn't the usual. The atmosphere was heavy, and the house was dark. He threw his keys on to the table by the door and walked further in to the house.

"Ma? Hello? Is anybody home?" He shouted as he rounded the corner in to the living room. He saw her then, lead on the couch, surrounded by tissues, and obviously still crying. He rushed over and crouched next to her, "Ma, what is it? What's wrong?" He brushed some hair from her face which made her look up and notice his presence. "Ma?"

She quickly sat up and pulled him in to a tight hug, still not saying what was wrong. Now he was really freaking out. Was it Sarah? Had something happened to her? Was it his Nana?

"Ma, come on, you've got to tell me what's happened. Please." She pulled back and ran her hands down the sides of his face.

"Oh Noah, it's your father." He instantly tensed, and pushed her away from him. He didn't want to talk about that man. The one that had left them. The one that had caused irreparable damage.

"What about him?" He asked harshly, turning from her so he wouldn't have to watch her cry over him. He heard her sob, and then felt her hands on his back, turning him to look at her.

"He'd dead Noah. Your father, he died this morning. A lawyer rang me today while you were at school." He felt his knees go weak, he needed to sit down. The blood had rushed from his head so quickly, he felt sick, if he could just sit down somewhere. Everything would be alright. His mother lead him to the couch she had been lead on, and slowly rubbed his back, humming an old lullaby she had sung to him. "How?" He choked out. This couldn't be happening. He shouldn't care that that man is dead. He should be happy. But he wasn't. He wanted to scream, to hit something, he shouldn't care but he did. He hated it, but he couldn't change it.

"They said he had needed a liver transplant," at this Puck scoffed, of course he needed a liver transplant. He was an alcoholic after all, "he was on the waiting list but in the last few weeks his condition had begun to deteriorate. They didn't think it would happen yet but last night he'd given one of the nurses our telephone number, told her that his family would want to know. And then they found him this morning." She began to cry again, which made something in him snap. He was so angry at him, at her, at himself. Him for thinking they were still his family, her for crying over him like he deserved it, and himself for actually being upset that his sperm donor of a father was dead.

"Good. I'm glad he's dead." He stood up as she gasped and began to cry harder, "He deserved to die. He should have died years ago! He was a drunk Ma, and you know what, he doesn't deserve your tears. He doesn't deserve anything from us. He LEFT us. He walked out of this house and didn't have the decency to even call. He didn't even leave a note. He just LEFT!" He was pacing around the room now, itching to just hit something. Let out some of this tension. And she was still crying. He couldn't take it. He needed to get out of this house. But while his brain was screaming leave, his feet wouldn't let him. And so he stood here, shouting at her over something he didn't even want to talk about.

"Noah, please. We need to forgive him -"

"Forgive him? Are you serious? Oh my god. I don't know how you can sit there and cry over him, the man that left you pregnant and without any means to look after us. He was scum. He was...he was...you know what, it doesn't matter, because now he's nothing. And I'm glad."

He walked out of the house without looking back, despite his mother's shouts. He couldn't be in there any more. He needed to get out. As he neared his truck he realised he'd forgotten his keys, and there was no way he would go back in there to face more of that mess, so he walked. He just walked. He didn't know where he was going but when he'd seen their house, her house, he couldn't help himself. She was the only one that knew any of this. And so here he was, sat on Rachel Berry's bed as she slept next to him. He looked over at the clock and realised it was probably time for him to go, he'd heard her father's get back a few hours ago and soon the house would be waking up. Plus his Ma was probably waiting for him to get back. He quietly moved from the bed and out of her room, down the stairs and out the door. It was like he'd never been there. And now home to face the aftermath of his storm out.

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><p>When he got home his Mother was asleep on the couch, so he'd crept upstairs and had a shower, put on some clean clothes and started to quietly tidy up the living room. She'd clearly taken it upon herself to find anything that had a link to his father, there were pictures and records and clothes strewn across the room. He didn't know she had any of this stuff. He found himself being drawn in, and it wasn't until he heard his mother waking up that he realised he'd sat down in the middle of the floor and was looking through some of the pictures that were lying around.<p>

"That one is from that holiday we went on, to Cincinnati, when you were 3. You probably don't remember." Her voice was hoarse, when he turned to look at her she stood from the couch and went to the kitchen. He heard the tap running and then her shout, "So you came back then?" He was still looking at the picture when she came back in to the room and sat next to him on the floor.

"Yeah, I came back. I shouldn't have -" She cut him off, "You had every right to be upset Noah, you don't need to apologise." She rubbed his arm. "I sent your sister to your Nana's house after you left yesterday, she didn't know him so I can't expect her to understand why this hurts, but I thought maybe we could have a day. Just you and me. Talk this over. We have some things we need to do."

He looked at her quizzically, "What would we have to do?"

She shook her head, "Later." and then picked up some more photos. A silence descended on the room as she looked at old photos and he watched her. This was so strange. He had tried for so many years to forget about him, to forget everything that happened, and the BAM he's back to square one.

"What was he like when you met him?" The words had left his mouth before he even had time to think about it.

She chuckled, "Handsome, very handsome, and charming. Like you. He was wearing jeans and a baseball jersey. I had just moved to Lima and was sat out the porch steps while my parents argued over something in the house. He stopped at the bottom of the garden path, smiled, waved and then carried on his way. I saw him when school started and it was like fate. We had this amazing connection, like we were meant to be together. Here," She passed him a picture, it looked older than some of the others, "I took this of him when we were in high school. He looks like you." Puck flinched, he didn't want to be compared to that man. But the likeness was undeniable. Even he had to admit.

"So when did he change?" She was watching him now, looking for something, anything that would show her he wasn't strong enough to hear this story. But he was. These were the questions he'd always wanted to ask. All he remembered was the bad, the times he'd seen his father stagger around the house, the times he'd seen him shouting at his mother while he pushed her around the house. He couldn't believe that he'd always been that way. She was smarter than that. To get involved with someone like that from the off-set.

"When you were 4 your father lost his job at the accounting firm he worked for. At first we were optimistic, he was well trained and we figured he would be able to get a job quickly enough that it wouldn't bother us. But as time went on, it looked less and less likely that he would be employed anywhere in Lima. We were debating moving but we didn't have enough money to just pack up and leave, and who could tell how long it would take for the house to sell. And then it happened, he started to drink and more and more. He started to get more and more aggressive and depressed. I took on a cleaning job to help the finances which made him even more angry. He claimed my getting a job would make everyone think he couldn't look after this family. That he wasn't a man. So he made me quit. Then we were all stuck in this house, terrified of him. Even he was terrified. I could tell. We still had that bond. That connection." She took a long breathe, she was staring intently at his picture now. Puck could tell she was trying not to cry again, thinking it would make him angry.

"Did you know, that he used to...to me. Did you know what he did to me?" He wanted to keep it together, but he could feel the moisture growing around his eyes. His nose was doing that weird tickling thing it always did when he was going to cry. She reached out and took her hand in his, sensing his discomfort.

"Not at first, I thought it was just me. He never seemed aggressive towards you, and I thought as long as he didn't hurt you then there was still some of the man I loved in him. Some humanity left. But then you started acting strangely, hiding from him, and from me. You wouldn't let me in your room. And then one night I walked past your door and I saw them, the marks on your back. And I knew that was it. We couldn't live like that any more. So I told him, I said he would either clean up his act or get out of this house and leave us alone. I had a black eye for 2 weeks after that. But then one day when I was out buying groceries with you after school, he packed up and left. All these things were the only things he left. The only sign that he was ever here." She started to pick up the photos and put them back in the shoe box, along with the clothes. As she did this she continued speaking, "I'm sorry Noah, that I didn't realise sooner. That you had to live like that. If I'd have -" and then she burst in to tears again, at which Puck crept forward and hugged her. He couldn't blame her, she had tried to protect him but she couldn't. That man was a moster. He hadn't always been but that was how he would be remembered.

When her crying had subsided she went upstairs for a nap. Puck looked at the clock on the wall and saw he had time to get to school for Glee club, and Rachel would probably be worried about him. He wanted to talk to her, to thank her, and part of him just wanted to be near her. She made this so much easier to deal with. So he climbed in to his truck and headed to school.


	3. Don't Want to Miss You Tonight

AN : Last part of this story. I hope this chapter doesn't totally suck! Because I wasn't really sure where I was going with it at first. Hopefully reader you will like this. And I hope it brings the story to a nice conclusion.

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><p>They had been driving around for about 20 minutes before he took the turning for the lake. They hadn't spoken much, nothing of consequence anyway, just small talk. She knew he'd get around to it eventually so was happy to fill him in on what he'd missed during the day. Not that he ever went to classes so it can't have interested him much. Although no, he had been going a lot more often Rachel had noticed, and she was very impressed with his sudden change of attitude. If he wanted to make a change then she would help him.<p>

"You know, if you're serious about getting your grades up I'll help you." She didn't turn to look at him, or gauge his reaction, just left the comment hanging there between them.

"Yeah?" He was trying to sound disinterested but she could tell he'd take the offer, she just needed to grease his palm so to speak.

"Yes, I mean you're a lot smarter than you make out. And you can do the work. You've just missed too many classes to catch up on the material. So I'd be happy to go through what you've missed and you'd be caught up in no time." She turned to look at him now, smiling a little as she saw his mouth turn in to a smirk, all the while watching the road. She could tell he was flattered by her attempt but probably thought she was talking a load of, well, nonsense. She would not be crass and suggest the terms he himself would use.

"Ok, cool. I could use the extra help I guess. Like you said, I've missed too much to catch up really." He nodded his head and then briefly looked her way. She smiled even wider at him now. She knew he could do so well if he put his mind to it, and get out of this town and the reputation he undeservedly held thanks to a certain parental figure.

"Ok. Great. We are team mates after all, we should help one another in any way possible." She turned to look out of her window, they were heading down an old dirt road that was so pretty at this time of year, with all the wild flowers in bloom.

"Team mates, right, it's just I -" He stopped, she turned once more to look at him.

"What? You just what?" She was confused. They were team mates. She hoped he wasn't going to say something awful. He did have a tendency to lash out when he was upset and while she wanted to be there for him she wasn't sure she could take him being awful to her.

"I thought we were more than team mates, like friends or whatever." He wasn't looking at her, he was obviously uncomfortable with this sudden outburst.

She chuckled softly, "We are friends Noah."

"Oh, good." He replied, slowing the truck and parking next to the lake. He didn't make a move to get out so she sat as well, waiting for him to show any indication as to what they were doing here. Not one for uncomfortable silences, she began humming softly under her breathe as she watched some birds through the window who were hopping around on the ground.

"Did you tell your Dads about last night?" She could feel him looking at her so she slowly turned her whole body and sat facing him.

"No, they were gone when I got up this morning so I didn't have a chance. Do you not want me to?"

"No, you can tell them, I don't mind." His eyes were intense, she had to look away. She didn't want to be looked at with such scrutiny.

"Ok. Then I'll tell them later." He made a noise in appreciation, rather than use words. She started to fidget, she wanted him to just tell her why they were here. She knew he wanted to talk about everything that had happened, and she wanted to hear it, but this situation seemed so awkward in the light of day. Last night everything was simple and sudden, now it seemed like they had been thrown together and neither really wanted to be there. She didn't want him to think that.

"So did you talk to your Mom? You weren't at school so I fig-"

"Yeah I did. It was good. Well, as good as this situation can be. I still don't know how to feel about it all." He shook his head and then looked out of the windscreen towards the lake.

"Well you don't have to figure everything out right now. You only found out yesterday Noah. It takes time to process these kinds of things." She brought her knees up on to the seat and moved slightly towards him. "It's ok to feel any way you want to, or to not feel anything at all. After everything that happened, you don't have to feel anything for him. I'd understand. I wouldn't judge you for it. I don't feel anything for him." She whispered the last part, she wasn't sure if admitting that would help or hinder the situation.

He didn't respond. Just laughed slightly, which made her aware that he'd heard the final comment she'd made. He ran his hands up and down the steering wheel and then rested his head against it. Turning it slightly so he could still look at her, but not enough so she could make out the look on his face. She moved further along the seat, closer to him than before and ran her hand up and down the arm closest to her.

"Do you remember that summer we went camping with the JCC? You pretended to be that Jewish chick from the musical, the one where she pretends to be a dude."

She smiled, "Yentl. I'd just seen it with my Dads and was in love with the idea of hiding who she was just so she could go to school. How do you remember that? We were like 6 years old."

He chuckled to his self, soft and low, "Because you said Yentl slept in the woods and not in a tent, so we went walking through these woods for hours. Ended up sleeping under a tree if I remember correctly."

She couldn't help the laughter that came out then, "Oh yes. Rabbi Greenberg was so mad at us. He was sure we'd been abducted or drowned or something." Her sides were starting to hurt, so she tried to regulate her breathing. He was just smiling at her. "Clearly you were a bad influence on me from the beginning."

He looked shocked, "Me? It was your stupid idea. Just like running through that cow field was your idea. When your shoes got stuck in the mud and we got chased by a herd of 20 cows! If any one here is a bad influence it's you!" Now he was laughing.

"That was two times, you were so much worse than me. Hanging upside down from the swing set in the park, you almost broke your neck! And the time you thought throwing water balloons at passing cars would be fun. We almost caused a major accident to happen. That was the day I decided I would never listen to one of your stupid ideas again." She tried to sound mad at him, but it wasn't working. They used to be so carefree, until that summer everything changed. After Rachel had heard that Mr Puckerman had left she went to find Noah but he wasn't home. His mother had said he'd taken his bicycle and hadn't been home since. So she'd waited for him, but it got too late and she'd gone home. She didn't hear off him for the rest of the summer break, there were only a few weeks left but they'd had so many plans that still needed to be made a reality. Then, when school started he didn't talk to her. He ignored her completely. He's started hanging around with the other boys, Karofsky and Azimio and Finn. The ones who would become her tormentors in high school. That was it, they weren't friends any more. There was nothing she could do but accept the fact and move on, so she did. She moved on to a life of no friends and constant slushy facials, at the hands of her former friend.

"Why did you, after he left, why did you ignore me?" She felt the atmosphere in the truck change instantly but she needed to ask. He sat up right, and leant his head back against the seat so he was looking at the roof of the cab.

"I was angry Rachel, I was so angry. At him, at my Ma, at everyone. Anyone who I could be angry at I was. And I just didn't feel like me any more. The old kid, the one who wanted to hang out and do all those stupid things with you, he just wasn't there. I mean he was, but everything was so painful that I grew hard. I had to be strong, to be tough for my Ma and show this town that it didn't matter that I didn't have a Dad, that he didn't want me because I was tough and nothing could hurt me. But you, you always knew when I was faking. So I knew that if we were still friends then you'd know how much it hurt when he left and you'd make me talk about it. And I didn't want to. I just wanted to forget him and move on." He opened the door then and got out. "Come on, I need some air."

She sat there for a second, processing his confession and then followed him out of his side of the truck. Sliding off the bench and down to the ground, that thing was a lot higher up than she remembered, she took off after him. He was an incredibly quick walker and while she prided herself on her stride she had to run to keep up with him.

"So what happens now?" she asked when they'd stopped at the waters edge, the trees were reflected in the water and she couldn't help but think that this was the perfect place for this conversation. Somewhere so beautiful and calming would surely appreciate the expected outburst Noah would deliver. But she was mistaken. He shrugged, picked up a stone and threw it in to the middle of the water. Turned to face her and said "I'm not sure. I guess he has a funeral, I probably won't go, and then Ma said he'd left us some stuff in his will. I mean, what really happens when you die? It's sad for a while and then everyone moves on."

She was in shock, his reaction last night was so theatrical. So, so, she couldn't even find the right words to express the power it had. And then here he was just dismissing his father's death like he'd heard they'd discontinued those lime Doritos he had an obsession with.

"You're not serious are you?" The look on his face changed to one filled with confusion, "You _guess_ he'll have a funeral? What – what – Urgh! You're so infuriating sometimes!" She crossed her arms over her chest and started to walk back to the truck. She was almost there when she felt his hand grasps her elbow and turn her around. "What?"

"What? Don't you think I should be the one saying that? What the hell was with the little diva-fit you just pulled?" He mirrored her stance, arms crossed over chest, straight back, muscles tensed.

"Last night, I could see how much this had effected you. How much it had hurt you. And today in the choir room, you seemed to be genuinely upset by it. But now, you're acting like you don't ever care!" Her voice had reached a new volume by the end of her speech.

"Well maybe I don't care!" He shouted back at her, "Maybe it's easier for me not to care. That's how I deal with these things. Someone has to keep it together. Everything is bad Rachel, my Ma is acting weird, Sarah is at my Nana's because she has no clue what is going on, and you want me to break down as well? I can't, I need to keep it together," his voice hitched slightly, "I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this ok." He looked defeated and tired. Understandable considering she doubted he'd slept at all last night. So she wrapped her arms around his middle and hugged him. He'd tensed at first, obviously not suspecting she'd make such a move, but she'd felt his arms come down slowly and then he was hugging her back.

Her head was pressed in to his body so her words were muffled but she hoped he could hear her enough to actually understand what she was saying. "I know you feel like you have to protect them Noah, and make sure that they get over this, but here, with me, you don't have to protect anyone. You can let it out. You don't have to be strong here." She squeezed him a little harder, hoping he'd realise she was the one who would protect him when they were like this. Just the two of them.

"I'm just so mad at him. And at myself for getting mad. It's like when he walked out all over again, and my brain is telling me to just suck it up like I did last time. I was perfectly fine after that. But I wasn't, I know I wasn't, and I don't want to carry it around with me any more. I don't want him to be a shadow I'm always trying to get away from. Do you ever just want to scream so loud that it drowns out the little voice in your head? Because that's what I want to do, I want to scream."

She moved back slightly so she could look up at him, "Then lets do it. Lets scream. Release all that negativity in to the atmosphere."

"Won't that like ruin your vocal chords or something?"

"I'll make a one time exception for you. I'm sure a little relief won't hurt me too much. Although if this hinders our chances at Nationals then I will hold you personally accountable." He smiled down at her, so she reciprocated. Then took his hand and lead him back towards the water. When they'd stopped moving she turned to face him, "On the count of three, ready?" He nodded. "Ok. 1 – 2 – 3!"

And with that they both screamed at the top of their lungs. She put all of her energy in to it. All of the pain and the hurt she was feeling for Noah, all the bad thoughts she'd had about his father over the past day, and over all the years since she'd found out about his abuse. And when she stopped screaming she felt relieved. Like a little piece of her had been pushed out in to the atmosphere and she could move on from it now. She looked over at Noah who was staring intently across the water, she wasn't sure what he was thinking, whether it had helped, but at least he'd let out some emotion. At least he wasn't that cold boy from those years ago, or that dead creature that had come to her house last night. His eyes were shining and his breathing was heavy. He had felt something, and that was all she could ask. It wasn't going to be easy for him to get over the death of his father, he may never get over it, but at least he felt something towards him. He wasn't shut off like he had been. And hopefully he knew if he needed her, she'd be there. He could come and talk to her about this and she'd listen and try to help. They were friends, team mates. Family. They had to look after each other.

After a few more minutes of silence, they made their way back to his truck. They didn't say anything for most of the ride back but when they reached the school parking lot, he turned towards her. "You know, I was always so scared he'd do something to you if he found out you knew about him. I didn't want you to get hurt. And I'm still scared, but not of him, of me. I'm scared I'll hurt you, that part of me is the same as him, and that I'll hurt you somehow."

She reached across the seats and took hold of his hand. "You are nothing like him. You are so much better than he could ever have been. And you want to know something, I was happy when he left because it meant that he couldn't hurt you any more. And it was a good thing, really, because if he'd have stayed, I doubt you'd be the person you are now. You'd have grown up to be scared of life, and all the possibilities it has to offer you. I think the best thing to do now is to live how you want to live and hope that where ever he is, he can see how much of a better man you are because he left you."

And with that she hopped out of the truck and ran towards the school. She really hoped he was right about them staying open until 6. When she got back with her bags he was still sat there looking slightly bemused. So they drove home in silence, not an uncomfortable one, but a natural silence that fell because there was nothing left to say really. They'd both made their peace. And now they would just have to sit and wait to see how the rest of the story played out. Rachel knew she had done all she could to help him through this, and it was up to Noah now to take control and work through what he was feeling. But she would always be there if he needed a little help along the way.


End file.
